*sigh*

this is why i dont like my parents... my da is now all pissed off at me because i told him i dont know how to hook up his GPA to the computer. and now he's all with the banging things around and yet, truth be told, my ability to hook stuff up and get them running? not so good. at all. it took me 4 hrs to do the dsl for crying out loud. plus, i've never worked his GPA (and its a big hunky complicated one believe me) in my life and yet he does practically every weekend so its like, why dont you do it you bastard.

*takes a deep breath* he asked mike but mike doesnt know and i'm just stunned that he's pissed i dont know how to work it when Mike doesnt even know how and Mike a)knows a hell of a lot more about hardware then i do and b) knows/uses the GPA in the first place.

heck, i screw up syncronising my palm pilot still.

and now he's all with the "fine, when theres something you need me to do i just wont do it." and i'm just so very very pissed. why the fuck doesnt he do it himself instead of coming down on me. he's been acting totally irrational lately and i'm absolutely at my wits end. he can be a real bastard and this isnt just my present feelings talking. he's the reason i'm not interested in dating because i see the shite my mum puts up with (and vise versa at times cause she's ditzy as all get out half the time) and i dont want to go there.

*sniffles* i need Britt to give me a hug but she's not even online.

I know i've said it before, how my sis is convinced you'll only be lonely if you live alone but from where i'm standing? even dead alone would be better then this *shivers* have to get away from these people.

And on the flip side Britt's not feeling all that emotionally stable either and it scares me sometimes. scares me the ideas that my head comes up with to....deal. scares me when i actually start to considering doing stuff i always swore i wouldnt when i was younger. but when i was younger the depression and the trapped feeling wrent so...oppressive. i could deal then with just pushing it aside but now....i just want to get out. away. i have to or these people are going to kill me. not literally but... *shivers*


*curls up in a little ball and goes to work on paper due tomorrow*

w--working

so, i really need to go running so i cna just...stop thinking about this and da and so i can maybe work out the know in my stomach. cause my father scares me, he always has. he has a bad temper and violent mood swings and ... he's barely restrained from hitting me in the past sometimes. so it scares me when he's pissed. always has, i remember as a kid what not to do or say to set him off when he was upset, i remember waking up in cold sweats by his suddenly exploding at my mum *shivers*

running is probably the only thing that works for me to escape cause i can just focus every bit of energy into it, pound it all into the pavement but i'm afraid to leave the computer. because i dont know if he'd leave it alone or try to do something and at the first hint of it not working take matters into his own hands and get pissed and yes, i'm a dork for being worried about the computer but i've got so much stuff on here and ... i know he's capable of it.

and Britt's still not online and god, i just want to cry. *shakes*

i'm sure no one probably wants to hear about this but i have no one to talk to and no way to get out and i need to write it or speak it or something or i'm going to puke. in fact i think i still might.

so, trying to get work done, trying to work on my paper. i have it outlines and the intro written (plus a bit more on the first topic) but now i need to research and i feel shacky and aweful...

been procrastinating but...

i'm halfway done with my essay *cheers* Britt came on too and we talked and i'm feeling much better. still trapped but dealing and ignoring and puting to the side now *lol*

*runs off to finish work*

*blink*

thats the end? the cancelled it there?! it is a mystery how networks can play the utter crap, and i'm not being biased here that they do but cancel some actually well thought out, funny, not half bad shows?! how?

*goes to figure out how many months until Serenity comes out*

*figits*

so, i know roughly where the ghost!fic for school is going, and i've got 3000ish words of the next chapter of Mutare written but.... i got attached by a plot bunny about...4 nights ago? i tried to ignore it to see if it would just sink into the back of my subconscience but..it didnt. it hasnt. *heffs* i wonder if my proff would let me drop the ghost!fic for a bit to work on this...

this is the weekend of spam it seems...

mmmmm, fruit cake fresh from Wagner's Bakery *melts*